Article written by our eccentric political tyrant, yet volitale and painfully truthful featured writer, JKS aka Cephas. Feel free to check him out at www.getlikeme.wordpress.com
Well if you haven’t heard, good ol' Roger “The Rocket” Clemens has been accused of chewing horse steroid. More recently, this 7-TIME CY YOUNG WINNER has been accused of booty-dumping Mindy McCready when she was a 15 year old country singer (!) and playing 18 holes of “Sink the sausage” with Paulette Dean Daly, John Daly’s ex-wife. So this would just be really pimpish if Roger was not married to an admitted steroid user; yes, his wife. Well, Mrs. Clemens...by looking at this picture, it was more than just milk doing your body good, and if your body is still not good, you need to email me right away, because I got some special milk that will do your body real good... (hint hint; wink wink) (Ed's note..."Wowzers!")
Long story short, I’m pretty upset, as a black man, that Roger Clemens hasn’t been raked across the coals for this. Shit, the media tarred and feathered poor Barry Bonds for doing the "Cream and the Clear," and all he did was get really strong and hit 762 homers. I can see him being electronically lynched for wearing that wack-ass dangling earring, but for taking juice like everyone else was doing? Roger Clemens got real big and was banging chicks six months removed from training wheels and barrettes. Shit, she might have just got her rag. With all that being said, this is not really getting any coverage. Roger still on TV acting like a fake-ass John Wayne (Note - HE IS FROM DAYTON, OHIO, NOT AUSTIN, TX.) He all smiling and shit proclaiming his bullshit innocence. Fuck him and the broke-ass horse he rode in on.
So Roger, in honor of Barry Bonds, I hereby exact revenge. Here is your crown of thorns. Get ready, I’m going to throw you on a cross! To make matters worse, I will use lyrics from the song “Can I Live” from Jay-Z’s classic album, “Reasonable Doubt” to drive the nails into the cross (in italics.)
(Peanut Gallery Says:….GET EM!!!!!)
“Hoes’ll get you sidetracked then clap from closed feet. I don’t sleep, I’m tired, I feel wired like codeine, these days/a brother gotta admire from four fiends away”
Yes Rog, you had a pretty decent-looking case, until your integrity came under fire. You shoulda listened to this song in 1995, but you were too busy phone-boning a teenie-bopper. While we are on the topic of ravishing the wombs of eighth and ninth grade girls, I’d like to ask since when did fucking 15-year-olds become the in-thing to get away with? First R. Kelly, and now, Roger Clemens. Roger Clemens is THE NEW R. KELLY, BUT HE’S AN ATHLETE!!
Think about it. Widely-popular celebrity, at the peak of his popularity, gets caught fucking a 15-year-old and now is denying it, even though they got him on tape. Now I don’t know if Roger tapped himself fucking a pre-teen, but I’m pretty sure he would piss on her. I’m just saying he looks like the type that enjoys water sports. Besides, when was Mindy McCready ever cute? WTF...
Moving on to the steroids piece. Let's give this declaration a giant “NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!” This man was cutting down forests in the off-season for conditioning, and you really think that alone prepared him to win the Cy Young when most pitchers drafted in 1983 were out of the league? Mr. Clemens looked more like he was training for the finals of the World Strongest Man Competition than a major league baseball season. Magnús Ver Magnússon would have been more impressed by his physique than Nolan Ryan. And on another note, Clemens former personal trainer recounts several instances where he injected Rog in the ass with human growth hormones. This revelation was pretty incendiary and earns them both a giant…
“Forgetting all I ever knew, convenient amnesia suggest you call my lawyer, I know the procedure. Lock my body can’t trap my mind, easily explain why we adapt to crime. I’d rather die enormous than live dormant that’s how we on it...”
You sure the hell have been forgetting all the shit you did, Rog. I don't know about you, but if a man touched my azz, let alone my bare ass, and injected me with a needle, I’d fucking remember. From the looks of things, you may wanna get used to the whole "Letting a man touch your azz" thing, because the government is not going to let you slide on this one. They are going to get you on purgery charges, and you're probably going to get a few years.
Jigga was so right. They can lock your body, but they cant trap your mind. Keep that in mind when “Tyrone and nem” ravage your bottom like that of the 15-year-old country star you exploited. Hopefully, you still have her number and she can give you instructions on how to block your gag reflex. After all, Tyrone is going to toss you your daily quart of throat yogurt, so you may want to be prepared. Just let your mind drift away to a far off land of happiness.
Maybe you can imagine it's the ninth inning of the World Series and you're playing the Mets. Your steroid-enhanced limbs hurl the game-winning strikeout and champagne is sprayed about your neck, head, and face in supreme celebration. Oh wait, all that spraying is just “Tyrone and nem,” and that frothy white substance isn't champagne. EWWWWWW!
"At the time, it never bothered me; at the bar, getting my thug on properly, my squad and me, lack of respect for authority, laughing hard. Happy to be escaping poverty, however brief, I know this game got valleys and peaks, expectation for dips, in anticipation we stack chips, hardly."
The ugliest part about this is the greed and addiction to power/achievement that can lead one to steroid use after they have already legitimately earned nearly every accolade a professional athlete an obtain. The endless hunger for “more” led Rog to compromising his legacy.
By the way, for more politically f*cked up commentary, visit me at http://www.getlikeme.wordpress.com/
-Stank You Very Much, aka Cephas
If you are Roger Clemens or his people read this let me say…. THEM WAS JOKES MAAAANNN!! Roger would kick my ass, and the bullet in his head that it would take to save my life isn’t worth the years in prison to follow, for killing one of the most famous white men of the 21st century.