(Believe it or not, Ed doesn't always write about sports. I occasionally dabble into other things such as relationships, music, entertainment, etc. I recently did an article for my folks over at The Fresh Xpress where I am the "Editor-At-Large" lol, don't that sound like some live sh*t?? Anyway, this is one of the more popular articles so I figured I'd share it with my peoples. More sports programming tomorrow and Friday, I promise. Without further ado...)
AN OPEN LETTER WAS SENT TO A MANUFACTURER'S CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT FROM A FRUSTRATED WOMAN WHO JUST RECENTLY ACQUIRED (COMMITTED TO) A NEW SOFTWARE/HARDWARE PACKAGE FOR HERSELF. CHECK IT OUT...
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower, dinner, and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs:
* Romance 9.5
* Personal Attention 6.5
* Feet Rubbed 2.0
Also, the system then installed undesirable programs:
* NBA 5.0
* NFL 3.0
* MLB 4.1
* Fantasy Football 17.0
* Strip Clubs 69.0
Finally, certain programs will simply not run:
* Conversation 8.0 runs a reverse mute function
* Housecleaning 2.6 crashes the system
* Fellatio 68.0 requires a password which I don't have
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3, His Momma 2.1, and Girlfriend Tag-Team 13.2 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2, upload Breakfast & Bed software, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0,Flowers 3.5, and Trip to Jamaica/Bahamas/Hawaii 23.0.
However, PLEASE BE ADVISED that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, PlayStation 3.0, XBox 360.0, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. (Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.)
WARNING - Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 and may cause ex-girlfriend hackers to download Husband 1.0's software. (!!!!!)
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program and built for the long haul, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
* Cooking 3.0
* Hot Lingerie 7.7
* Wear Pumps In Bed 2.0
* Pay For Occasional Dinner 1.1
* Oral Sex 12,000.0
Good Luck Desperate
YOU THINK WE COULD GET A FEMALE TO WRITE AN INSTALL-A-WIFE 1.0 (OR FOR SOME OF YOU 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, ETC...LOL) LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, GET AT ME!