At Ed the Sports Fan, we take immense pride in bringing you stories from a very unique and thought-provoking perspective. Some of them are good, while some are just plain out-there. There are others that are pure fantasy, and others that we feel will benefit you, the reader, as a whole. Today’s story will be just that: it will be something for all women to take in, and use as a tool to help you survive the next five months of your lives. Granted, there are some women who love football, so this is not written for them. This is for the women who may not understand a man’s fascination, love, affection, and bond with the game of football. One of my heroes, Dr. Cornel West, says “the benchmark of greatness is finding joy in loving and serving others.” With that said, it’s my honor and duty to present this to you. I’m doing this simply as a service to all women, and nothing more. I don’t want you to be mad once you realize that we’re gonna be unavailable for the next five months, unless there’s a crappy game on. Remember, it’s all out of love (and so we can watch the game in peace). Now...
#1. Adopt the “Cater to You” Philosophy - Once a woman finally realizes there’s no way she’s going to come between a man and football season, this approach becomes easier to embrace. I labeled this approach in honor of your girls, Destiny’s Child, so the words and the concept will sink in. There’s a part in the chorus that basically says, “I got your slippers/your dinner/your dessert, and so much more/anything you want, I want to cater to you.” Believe me, once football season is over (around early-February), a man will remember the times you catered to him, while we were in our sanctuary, and when you choose to have your Real Housewives of Atlanta Watch Party, or whatever show is “in” at that time, the favor will be returned, and we’ll be eager to do so.
#2. Learn to Respect the Communal Aspect of Football - Football is the one sport where all people can come together, and enjoy each other’s company, and be absolutely thrilled to do so. There can be a sanitation engineer, a waste collector, an office manager, CEO, bill collector, or whoever all in the same place, but when the game is on, it’s all good. For three hours, your occupation, past, present situation, or anything else means absolutely nothing. We’re all joined together for one reason: to enjoy the damn game. Baseball has too many lulls in a game for this to occur, and basketball’s too thugged-out for everyone to enjoy it. Other sports don’t compare either.
#3. Understand that People Alter Their Daily Schedules for Football Season - One of my boys altered his Friday work schedule, so he can participate in The Second-Annual Shock the World Tour this year. I, the very writer of this piece, am abandoning my usual 11 AM church service, and will start going to 8 AM church service, beginning this Sunday, so I can be back home in time for Sunday NFL Countdown, at 10 AM. I’ve gone to, maybe, two early services my entire life, so the fact this is occurring serves as a reminder of how crucial football season is. DVR isn’t the same, so don’t dare ask me to do such a thing, because it will never happen. Once again, it goes back to respecting the sanctity of the gridiron.
#4. Check your Facebook/Twitter Profile - Ladies, do yourselves a favor, and log-in to your Facebook or Twitter account tomorrow evening, around 6 PM (or 7 EST). I guarantee you will see a substantial amount of status messages that will solely pertain to the NFL starting up. I would ask you to just look at last week’s statuses, but they’ve changed so damn much that it would be a pretty tough task.
#5. Find Something To Do - Go to the mall and shop til you drop; go hang out with “mama and nem.” Read a book, learn a trade, do something, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not disturb a man when the game is on. As I said earlier, football season has started, and it’s more than just a game. To reduce it to that is to trivialize it and spit in the faces of all of us who have awaited months upon months for this to start back up. Please, don’t fight it. You will only lose; instead, respect it, learn it, and who knows, you may even learn to love it.
LADIES, THIS IS HONEST ADVICE. FELLAS ARE WE OFF BASE? WHAT DID WE FORGET? LET US KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!