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This Week's Obituaries - Haslem, Gilbert, Watson

If you are missing a loved one, or hated one, feel free to check out previous editions of our obituaries as we're sure it will put a smile (laugh hysterically) on your face.

Udonis Haslem (1980-2010)

Udonis Johneal Haslem, 29, passed away on January 11th, 2010. He was born on June 9th, 1980 in Miami, Florida. Haslem was an undrafted power forward from the University of Florida who signed with the Miami Heat in 2003. He was a key contributor on the 2006 Heat NBA Finals team, and is a great rebounder/tough guy for Miami.

However, his NBA career came to an abrupt end as "a light-skinned brother from Alaska" dropped a bomb on Haslem and effectively posterized and hyperized Udonis into never-neverland.

Haslem's untimely hesitation to try and block Carlos Boozer's dunk as he drove the lane. More improbable and hilarious at the same time, Boozer had the audacity to do the "GLARE & STARE" plus said, "Get the eff off of me" and this is effectively what ended Haslem's existence. Dwyane Wade was seen later having a discussion with a couple of teammates and said that, "He can't even get Udonis into VIP anymore" and "There ain't no way I'd let anyone do that to me!" Considering the fact that he just recently did this to Sideshow Bob earlier is besides the point.

A foundation has been started by the family of Udonis Haslem called the "Its time to cut them braids playboy" foundation. Its been said that Jerry Rice made a substantial donation after his braided-up (receding) debacle.

Garrett Gilbert (1991-2010)

Garrett Gilbert, 18, passed away on January 6th, 2010. He was born on July 1st, 1991 in Buffalo, New York. He is the incumbent quarterback for the University of Texas at Austin, taking over for Colt McCoy after his Senior year. Gilbert is regarded as one of the best quarterbacks of his class and was named the 2008 Offensive Player of the Year by USA Today.

However, tragedy struck the 18-year old and the state of Texas after the quarterback was thrust into action unexpectedly after Colt McCoy's shoulder basically exploded.

With the score of 17-6 and Texas reeling, Mack Brown dialed up an easy pass play to give his young, wide-eyed quarterback an opportunity to build his confidence. However, with the ferocious onslaught that was coming from Alabama, even this pass play couldn't come to fruition. Alabama's defensive tackle Marcel Dareus made one of the headiest plays in recent memory by picking off the batted shovel pass and made a run for the endzone. Only one player laid in his pass, Gilbert. By channeling his inner Shaun Alexander, Dareus initiated a stiff-arm any tailback would be proud of and Rock Bottomed Garrett to the ground. The play became even more significant as Dareus then performed a sal cal around an offensive lineman for the touchdown.

A foundation has been created in honor of Garrett Gilbert, because quarterbacks should not be put into situations like this. Please send any donations to the "Sam & Colt's Shoulders Exploded at Inopportune Times" Foundation. Thanks.

Benjamin Watson (1980-2010)

Benjamin Watson, 29, passed away on January 9th, 2010. He was born on December 18th, 1980 in Norfolk, Virginia. He is the starting tight end for the New England Patriots. He was the 32nd pick in the first round of the 2004 NFL draft from the University of Georgia.

Ben was just "trying to make a play" for his quarterback, Tom Brady, as Tom was channeling his inner "Jake Delhomme" during the AFC Wild Card round of the NFL playoffs against the Baltimore Ravens. Already down 24-7, Brady was trying to lead his team back into contention when tragedy struck the tight end.

Frank Walker had always dreamed for this day, being an afterthought on previous teams, he knew that he could be a precious piece to a Ravens defense who has clearly seen better days. With the defense playing lights out, the Patriots sent their tight end on a corner route, directly into Frank's zone. For all we know, Walker practically blacked out let out all his transgressions into a tackle, in which tackling a man whose 4 inches and 55 pounds bigger than him.

It all worked out for Frank, as he annihilated Watson and allowing his teammate Dawan Landry to intercept the pass and run 50 yards down the field run for help, an ambulance, a doctor, a priest, someone to help resuscitate the man back to consciousness.

Frank has set up a scholarship in Ben's honor for disrespected nickle cornerbacks to send their sons to school. Please make all donations to the "Larry Brown made millions of dollars because the opposing QB threw me the ball a lot during the Super Bowl" scholarship.





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