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What if "The Program" was remade with today's NFL players...


It saddens me to know that there are some young men in this world who have no recollection of what "The Program" is all about. Arguably one of the most factual, fascinating, frightening, and funniest football flicks (if you're counting that's six...alliteration is cool) that has ever been produced. The Program is great for a myriad of reasons, first of the name of the team is "ESU" yet they look just like "FSU" which is hilarious. Second, they focus on all of the real problems that we would see with college football players: drugs, women, and tomfoolery. Third, I'll be damned if there weren't crazy white boys out here in these streets actually trying to lay down in the middle of the street with cars driving by them to re-create a scene in the movie. This scene is so diabolical that you literally cannot find it anywhere online. Do you know how hard that is?

Anyway, there are players in the NFL that when I see them on the field they remind me of the great players from the ESU Timberwolves from The Program aka one of the greatest football movies of all-times. (Yes, with an "s" at the end.)

Steve Lattimer = Clay Matthews

I mean, the dude has all of the prerequisite physical characteristics of Lattimer. The long hair, the crazy celebrations and gyrations after every tackle and/or sack. The only four things we need to see from Clay Matthews now are the following...

1) At some point this season, the man must smash his own head through a car window.
2) He must as some point be sobbing or tell some passionate story that sounds real sensitive or makes no sense at all whatsoever
3) He must try and convince us otherwise that he is not on steroids
4) He must start wearing absurd face point that makes him look like the third member of The Road Warriors

Alvin Mack = James Harrison

This one is too easy. Alvin Mack was one of the most diabolical, trash-talking, fear-inducing mike backers in the history of football movies. (Only rivaled by "The Icebox" from The Little Giants) I mean Alvin Mack was downright nasty. As of today, the only linebacker in the league I can think of that matches Mack's intensity is one James Harrison aka "The reason the NFL cracked down on ferocious hits."

Tell me this...don't you think James Harrison sounds EXACTLY like this when Mike Tomlin goes through film study? "Hit the tight end so hard his girlfriend dies."


Darnell Jefferson = Ahmad Bradshaw
Ray Griffen = Brandon Jacobs

Darnell Jefferson, played by Omar Epps...

(Aside: Can someone please explain who decided that Omar Epps would play EVERY SINGLE black athlete role in a movie? Between 1993 and 2004 Omar Epps depicted almost every black athlete role for a movie you could ever imagine. Take a look...

1993: The Program - Darnell Jefferson, runningback (football)
1994: Major League II - Willie Mays Hayes, outfielder (baseball)
1995: Higher Learning - Malik Williams, sprinter (track & field)
2000: Love & Basketball - Quincy McCall, guard (basketball)
2004: Against the Ropes - Luther Shaw, boxer (boxing)

All this man needs to do now is play a hockey player named Knuck-Knuck and a surfer named Wipeout McGee. End aside.)

...was brought into ESU to be the next great runningback of the program. One problem, there was already a runningback who thought he was better in Ray Griffen. One was a speed back, one was a power back. Eventually, the better back got the position and one deferred to the team and everything worked out in the long run.

Don't look now, but the best running game in the NFL might be the New York football Giants. Ahmad Bradshaw has waited with baited breath to get his turn in being the lead back for the G-Men, all while Brandon Jacobs was getting the starting back carries. Bradshaw has overtaken Jacobs and the G-Men are better for it. Bradshaw just makes big plays, and Jacobs is still feared when it comes to converting those big 3rd and 2 possessions. Of course, they both all fought over the one and only...

Autumn Haley = Halle Berry

Look, there will never be a reason to replace the greatness that was Autumn Haley. Plus, at this point in the article, any reason to put up a photo of Halle Berry is always a good thing.

Joe Kane = Brett Favre

If there's ever been a player that one would assume drinks to relieve the stresses of his job it would be the great Lorenzo Favre. In the movie, Joe Kane is having issues with his woman as well, but only the great Lorenzo could kick it up a notch "allegedly" by trying to holla at women on MySpace. I don't think even Joe Kane would do something so ridiculous as that. However, Kane did have to go to rehab. Maybe Favre should consider that in the off-season...

Bobby Collins = Rex Grossman, Charlie Whitehurst, Derek Anderson, Kyle Boller, etc.

Because every quarterback I just compared Bobby Collins should NEVER ever ever ever ever ever be a starter in life. They are the quintessential backup QB and as a matter of fact if they are your backup QB you probably would like to upgrade your backup QB if possible.

Coach Sam Winters = Rex Ryan

Coach Winters had a ton of flaws, but if there was one thing about Winters I respected was that he was loyal. Like many of the great coaches we've seen in the NFL, loyalty matters to players. If Rex Ryan believes in you, he will fight for you till the bitter end, and say or do whatever it takes to make you a better player. Now lets hope that Rex doesn't have a daughter that tries to take a test for Mark Sanchez and get caught...

I realize that if you haven't seen The Program than this might not make a ton of sense, but this is all the reason you NEED to watch this movie. Did I get the right players matched up? Who would you chose? Let us know your thoughts and enjoy the weekend people, be safe.

-Ed.
www.edthesportsfan.com

P.S. As a reminder, checkout the livest sports talk (and hopefully on the radio soon) show around, "The Unsportsmanlike Conduct Show" as we are live Wednesday's at 9pm Eastern at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/edthesportsfan! Download our podcasts if you missed the live show as well!

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