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The Anatomy of a Tirade

**Ed's Note - Its not often we let a guest bless the mic here on ETSF. I mean really...other than Phil, Celia, JKS, Rev, B-Lew, and JAG...that's literally it. So today, I'm going to ask that you give this man your undivided attention, and welcome a friend and hated brother of mine, Cool Black.**

I’ve been a San Francisco 49’er fan since my first 8-bit Montana to Rice TD celebration on Tecmo Bowl in 1987. While Monday night’s contest between the Niners and the Arizona Cardinals tug at my heart strings, my real purpose for watching was to send all of the bad juju in the known universe towards Larry Fitzgerald who stood between a Fantasy Football victory and my ascension to the 1st place throne in the ETSF Hi-Def Fantasy Football league. After securing a nail-biting victory, I turned to SportsCenter to hear the usual nonsensical banter. And there it was; The Teaser. “Derek Anderson Tirade, Up Next.” Of course, I questioned what he could POSSIBLY be angry about, and so the bait was set. I waited, and waited and waited, and there it was. Five minutes of my life that I will never be able to get back.

That was NOT a tirade, plain and simple. I don’t know what that was. But it made me ponder, what would have branded this outburst a certified tirade. And so, I present five elements to take a simple sports rant to the rarefied air of “Tirade.”

1. The Tirade-ee must actually appear to be angry.

On a scale of 1-10 where one is slightly peeved and ten is thermo-nuclear, Derek Anderson was at about a 2.3, which is classified as a firm hissy fit. Was it just me, or did D.A. just appear to be like a kid who doesn’t want to fight until the principal shows up to break up the crowd? I point to one Dennis Green…normally mind mannered until…

When I first saw this “tirade,” I genuinely thought…whoa, this guy is angry. I truly think that if he had saw a kid with a Coke asking for a Cardinals jersey (shout out to Joe Greene), Denny would have kicked the kid in the teeth, hopped in his Iroc Z-28, and took it to the house.

2. Some furniture should move around.

The late great Bernie Mac taught us that when the jinx is about to go down, “its gon’ be some furniture movin’ around.” Enter Hal McRae. Calmly answering questions until someone asks him the WRONG question. And then…

If you’re keeping score at home that was two microphones, a tape recorder, a cup of milk (a cup of milk??), a stack of important looking documents and a land-line telephone. A telephone. Well done, Mr. McRae.

3. The Tirade topic should actually be tied to the question.

While I appreciate how much Derek Anderson studies and how hard he works from week to week, the actual question was regarding a gentle smile shared between him a large gentlemen sitting to his left. Anderson never actually answered the question, and so his “tirade lost a little luster.” Not in the case of Herman Edwards. Coach Edwards can now be seen yelling at the top of his lungs on a variety of ESPN programming, but in 2002, he was at the podium.

Coach Edwards was sharply focused in his rant, as he felt it was a stupid concept to think that a coach is going to say on tape that winning doesn’t matter for his team. Way to go, Herm.

4. Someone should be ready to come to blows.

Number Four actually harkens back to numbers 1 and 2. If you’re genuinely angry, the only logical escalation is fisticuffs. Take John Chaney. Now even though he reminds me of Mr. Owl of Tootsie Roll fame, there is no mistaking that Coach Cheney is one mean cuss. The one thing that you’re NOT gonna do to a 60 year old black man who coaches a basketball team in North Philly is run up on him. Nobody gave John Calipari that memo.

5. A Tirade should produce some kind of “quotable.”

Before it started to suck, I used to pick up my monthly issue of “The Source” magazine to not only check out the mic ratings of the latest hip-hop album, but to try to memorize the latest “Hip-Hop Quotable.” “You play to win the game.” “They are who we thought they were.” “I’ll kill ya!” are all embedded in the sports fan lexicon as indelible examples of when somebody is pissed off to the highest level of pisstivity.

Mr. Anderson (shoutout to Neo) produced none of that. Even though it happened just a couple of days ago, I specifically can’t remember ANYthing that he said. Can you? I’ll wait. This however is not the case for Jim “Diddly-Poo” Mora whose Pre-Peyton Colts gave us this lasting gem:

The moral of the story ETSF’ers…if you’re going to get angry…do it the right way.

-Cool Black

P.S. As a reminder, checkout the livest sports talk (and hopefully on the radio soon) show around, "The Unsportsmanlike Conduct Show" as we are live Wednesday's at 9pm Eastern at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/edthesportsfan! Download our podcasts if you missed the live show as well!


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