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The Most Anticipated Fifth-Place Contest in Fantasy Football History

With all due respect to the two contestants in the Finals of the ETSF Fantasy Football League, the most anticipated matchup took place over the weekend in a game that does not determine who wins it all, but it does determine who will hold bragging rights over the two individuals who make up Ed the Sports Fan.

Despite the fact that I failed to keep up my tremendous play in the postseason, and despite the fact that our resident fantasy football guru (Ed) had a subpar season, people still look forward to the battles we engage in when it comes to this thing called fantasy football.

What was supposed to be the Tussle of the Titans turned into something much more disappointing. People took it upon themselves to rename our battle for the fifth-place trophy (not really; these are just names I made up last night). It was billed as the following:

The Battle of the Beleaguered
The Clash of the Careless
The Duel of the Disappointed
The Event of the Erroneous
…and finally, The Fight for Fifth Place.

See, people remember the six overtime game between Syracuse and UConn, but that game wasn’t even for the Big East Championship. Folks still rouse about Mahut-Isner, even though that was only a first-round game at The US Open! Sometimes, the most memorable games aren’t played for the trophy; that’s just how it is. With that being said, the stage was set, the lights were bright, and it was officially on like Donkey Kong.

In the most anticipated matchup in Fantasy Football History, I decimated, disfigured, and destroyed Ed’s dignity, pride, self-esteem, and self-respect to the score of 138-64. I beat the man by 74 points. For anyone who’s familiar with memorable numbers, Ed was served with The Godfather Part II (movie came out in '74, the same number as my margin of victory). I beat the man within an inch of his life, to no return, and to the point where the man can’t even show his face to check his mail in the morning. Couple this with The Scottie Pippen I put on him in Week Eight earlier this season, and you have a clearer picture of sheer and utter dominance over the young lad.

Old-school players swear it was worse than seeing Frazier flattened by Foreman, twenty-somethings joked it was reminiscent of seeing Shawn Kemp point at Alton Lister after delivering The Lister Blister, while others spoke of it in the same breath like the time Kobe baptized Dwight Howard.

They say it was worse than the film director dude finding his prized horse’s dome in his bed in the first Godfather, or when that hoodlum beat Kid Ray up so bad that he made him drop outta Eastside High in Lean on Me.

Women screamed in horror as the margin of victory grew as the day wore on, kids cried “mommy, why is that bearded man destroying that fair-skinned brother like that?,” while grown men shook their heads in dismay, all the while saying “well, that’s what happens when you put an unequipped boy against a grown-ass man.”

My Hispanic podnas yelled “no mas” as the onslaught continued, Ed’s French counterparts pleaded for the brutality to stop, while men, women, and children in Zaire screamed for blood, all the while chanting “Ken-ny, bomaye! Ken-ny, bomaye!” It got so lopsided that I even grabbed a couple of my chapter brothers to stroll on the grounds where Ed’s defeated carcass laid, while a crowd of on-lookers gasped in a mix of admiration, astonishment, and outright awe.

So yes, while the fantasy football championship will be decided Christmas weekend, last weekend’s events will live in eternity. People will talk about this ass-whooping for years to come. They will do so over a glass of wine, a shot of Hennessy, or a wing basket from Rudy’s. They’ll chop it up while washing their cars at the local car wash, in the bleachers at a non-descript stadium on the other side of the country, and even while some man and woman somewhere are getting ready to get their freak on. No matter the setting, scene, or situation, everyone will remember the weekend where Ed got that work handed to him. It lives now and forever more.

-K. Masenda
http://www.edthesportsfan.com/
P.S. As a reminder, checkout the livest sports talk (and hopefully on the radio soon) show around, "The Unsportsmanlike Conduct Show" as we are live Wednesday's at 9pm Eastern at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/edthesportsfan! Download our podcasts if you missed the live show as well!

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