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Today's Obituaries - Jrue Holiday (1990-2011)


Jrue Randall Holiday, 20, passed away on April 11th, 2011. Jrue was just two months shy of his 21st birthday (June 12, 1990) yet all signs point to underage drinking as the cause of his untimely death. The Chatsworth, California native was selected by the Philadelphia 76ers in the first round of the 2009 draft with the 17th overall pick. In just his second year in the league, Holiday had begun to emerge as an up and coming point guard in the league. However, its quite clear that the pressure to succeed in Philadelphia was beginning to overtake him as last night he was clearly drinking on the job. What was he drinking? Hennessy.

Witnesses say that Dwight David Howard, 25, was miffed (this is exactly the word everyone described him as....miffed) because his Magic lost a game that was there for the taking against the soon-to-be Eastern Conference champion Chicago Bulls. It was just another chip on the shoulder for Dwight. Not only does he have to carry his sorry sack of hooligans into the playoffs, not only does he have to carry his head coach Stan Van Jeremy into the playoffs, but he also will eventually have to hear the "Derrick Rose is CLEARLY the MVP for 2010-11 season" rhetoric that will be spewed by the media for the next couple of weeks. Witnesses say that Howard had had enough and had begun medicating himself with various forms of alcohol. He tried the Remy, tried the Courvoisier, but the only thing that did the trick was...Hennessy.

In the third quarter against the Sixers, Dwight Howard stripped the ball away from Andres Nocioni and the fast break occurred. Dwight noticed the smell of alcohol in the air and became upset. Not because someone would have the audacity to actually be drinking on an NBA court, but because someone would have the nerve to not share with him. Dwight felt slighted, and he had to make that person pay for not sharing the Hennessy...


After Dwight effectively YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE'd all on Jrue Holiday's neck, a few folks courtside heard Dwight say to Jrue, "Don't you ever let me come back to Philadelphia and you NOT have my Hennessy ready to go!" Jrue should've known better, in a recent uninformed study results showed that 1 in 5 fights have started over Hennessy. Hennessy has caused overweight women to wear dresses that they shouldn't, Hennessy has caused grown men to fight over the last potato skin at a party, and Hennessy has been the initiator of global warming here on earth. The point of the story...

Hennessy can get you YUUUUUUUUUUUULE'd on...for real.

If you have any clues of the whereabouts of Mr. Howard, please contact the authorities immediately. Those authorities would be Bill Walton. Sources say Howard is fleeing to the first round of the NBA playoffs to take out his vengeance against the Atlanta Hawks. This man is ARMED (all shoulders) & DANGEROUS! A foundation has been created in Jrue's name, in honor of the silly guards who jump recklessly for no real reason when they know that they're not getting the ball. Please send any donations to the "Damon Jones got YUUUUUUULE'd on" Foundation. Evidently, Damon started the fund with just his red velvet blazer he wore at all the Slam Dunk contests. Thanks.

-Ed.
@edthesportsfan

Related: Jrue Holiday Could Use A Vacation (TSS)

P.S. As a reminder, checkout the livest sports talk show around, "The Unsportsmanlike Conduct Show" as we are live Wednesday's at 9pm Eastern at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/edthesportsfan! Download our podcasts if you missed the live show as well!

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