I know this might sound egregious coming from me, the same man who wrote not one but TWO fantasy football draft manifestos, detailing precise ways to win your fantasy football league. This might even sound egregious coming from Ken, the same man who I had to drag into playing into fantasy football in the first place, is now the man who will write witty pieces (basically snapping on me) on his victory or defeat in fantasy football clashes between the two of us.
However, I owe you the unbridled, uninhibited, and unrestrained truth. If you’re dealing with someone who is not actually in your fantasy league, nobody cares, b. Not your friends, not your coworkers, not your woman, not even your mama. Nobody cares.
“Kinfolk! I was winning by like fifteen points going into Monday Night, then Wes Welker ran for 99 yards and I lost by 1 point. Can you believe it?”
“Can you friggin believe Nate Kaeding had the nerve to blow out his leg before he scored any points? I lost by 0.3 points. Kick a damn extra point!”
“You know, if I would’ve started Cam Newton this week I would’ve won. I only lost by 34 points, Cam would’ve gave me 35.”
These are the conversations I overhear in my cubicle on the third floor of my job at the plantation. What makes it worse is that I’m seen by my peers in the office as some kind of connoisseur of sports, and they feel the need to tell me all of their ridiculous fantasy football stories like I can waive the magic wand and fix their problems. I just nod my head, tell them they just got bad luck and its only fantasy football. In my mind though, I have a totally different perspective:
“Yeah I believe it. I watched Welker run the same wind sprint you did on Monday Night Football, on Sportscenter, and on Mike and Mike in a 12-hour timespan.”
“No one told you to draft Nate Kaeding in the 6th round of the fantasy draft, are you stupid?”
“If you had started Cam Newton in week one, I would’ve thought you stole Marty McFly’s sports almanac and tried to steal it from you.”
It’s the unfortunate circumstance of playing this fairytale game we all love, as fantasy football has a way of taking over our competitive lives. I sit in front of my computer for hours sometimes contemplating how I can get Ray Rice from JAG, or Mike Wallace from Phil, or Josh Freeman from Kenny. Sometimes I think about some snappy put-downs that I can give Celia or B-Lew after I thrash their squads in fantasy. I even sometimes will breakout the Microsoft Excel and work out a regression analysis on tailbacks to determine which one will perform the best over the course of a season. Needless to say, I'm invested into this just as much as you are. But you know what? Nobody cares.
I remember being baffled when I owned Brian Westbrook and Maurice Jones-Drew each when they both decided to NOT to score touchdowns after breaking long runs and dropped it like its hot on the one-yard line. I remember when Jerome Harrison was a random waiver-wire pickup by my opponent, then he decided to run for 286 yards and breaking the great Jim Brown's records and my heart as I missed the playoffs. I also remember trading for Michael Vick last season right before he decided to put up the 3rd greatest fantasy football performance of all-time, which led to him leading my squad to another fantasy football championship. These are the highs and lows of fantasy football, its real out here in these streets. But nobody cares.
Yet, if you have a conversation with someone about football and they aren’t in your league...chances are they don’t care, at all. Keep those conversations to a minimum, small talk at best. Its great water cooler talk, but don’t bring it over to the instant messenger, don’t text folks, or call your boys at 10:30 at night to talk about how Ochocinco only having one catch cost you a victory. Let us cook over here, because I promise you...nobody cares.