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Trick Or Treating With Tim Tebow

Tonight little boys and little girls will cascade into neighborhoods all across the country on the hunt for glorious candies while dressed up as ghosts, bumblebees and other types of characters befitting of children.

However, there is one young man that I think needs to go trick or treating this Halloween season, and that young man is Timothy Richard Tebow. The young man has been rained upon with more scrutiny and criticism than anything I've seen in recent memory. Sometimes gorging yourself with some of the finest sugar-laden candies and chocolates this side of the Mississippi can be quite the remedy.

So for Halloween, here's how I imagine Tebow's trick or treating experience will go tonight, with a few cameo appearances sprinkled in for good measure.

Mr. Tebow drops Tim off at the corner of a cul-de-sac. The street sign on the corner reads "Retirement Gridiron Circle." Mr. Tebow alerts Tim that he'll wait for him to finish his rounds at the end of the corner. Tim scurries along to the first house in the cul-de-sac. The name on the mailbox reads, "The Irvin's." There seems to be a party of sorts going on.

Tebow: Trick or Treat!

Michael Irvin: Hello little fella, who are you supposed to be?

Tebow: I'm the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, sir!

Irvin: Well ain't that nice. Let me give you some candy.

(Irvin puts a handful of Butterfingers into Tebow's candy bag.)

Tebow: Um, why did you give me Butterfingers?

Irvin: Well, I've watched you and your friends play. Let me tell you something, I'm 45 years old with cervical spinal cord problems and I'm better than any receiver you got son. Did you see me work in the remake of The Longest Yard? Take these Butterfingers and maybe it'll make you feel better about the sorry sack of wideouts you have to throw to on a weekly basis.

Tebow: Thank you sir, have a good one.

(Irvin waves bye to Tebow and shuts the door. As soon as the door shuts music is cut back on and Irvin is heard cackling loudly with an assortment of random women.)


Tebow walks up to the next house on the block. The name on the mailbox reads "Parcells" and an old man is sitting on the porch sipping lemonade.

Tebow: Trick or Treat!

Bill Parcells: Good evening young man, who are you supposed to be?

Tebow: I'm the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, sir!

Parcells: A quarterback, eh? That's a good one.

(Parcells puts a handful of Smarties into Tebow's candy bag.)

Tebow: Sir, why did you give me Smarties?

Parcells: Because evidently someone's got to be pretty damn smart to draft a flawed quarterback in the first round, hire a coach who has 4-18 record in the last year and a half, put together an offensive roster that is devoid of talent and a defense that can't keep other teams from scoring on them at will. They've got to be geniuses. Its not your fault, the only thing you can do is perform to the best of your ability. Being smart is playing within your own capabilities and always being prepared, everything else will work out on its own.

Tebow: Well thanks sir, I appreciate it. Would you ever consider being my coach?

Parcells: Son, I'm retired. Only think I'm coaching is this lemonade.

(Tebow walks away from the home and Parcells gets up to lay in the hammock on his porch as its time for his nap.)


Tebow walks up to the next house on the block. The lawn hasn't been mowed in months and there's a pit bull on a chain loosely tied to a tree. The name on the mailbox reads "Russell" and no lights are on. Tebow hesitates to go up to the door but does so anyway.

(rings doorbell)

(rings doorbell again)

(Tebow begins to walk away before the door begins to slowly open)

Tebow: My apologies sir, I didn't mean to wake you. I'm just out here trick or treating.

Jamarcus Russell: Wake me? I wasn't sleep. (Sips an unknown purple concoction out of a white cup)

Tebow: Uh....trick or treat.

Russell: That's nice.

Tebow: Um....are you going to give me any candy? I'm a quarterback for the Broncos.

(Russell shuts the door slightly and turns on a kitchen light and is actively searching for something. Russell then emerges with an entire case of Payday candy bars and pours them all into his bag and shuts the door.)

Tebow: Oh yeah. Payday.

(Tebow walks away dragging the bag of candy with him as he heads to the final house.)


Tebow walks up to the final house on the block. The name on the mailbox reads "The Elway's" and Tim runs up to the door eager to meet one of his idols.

Tebow: Trick or Treat!

John Elway: Hey there son, who are you supposed to be this Halloween?

Tebow: I'm the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, sir!

Elway: Get out! I used to dress up as the quarterback for the Broncos too! I already like this kid.

(Elway puts a handful of Twix into Tebow's bag.)

Tebow: Twix?

(Elway shows Tebow his left hand which is adorned with two Super Bowl rings. Elway then blows on the ring and buffs them off of his shirt and shows them off to Tebow.)

Elway: Two for me, none for you. Now get off my driveway and get to work.

(Tebow walks off with a stunned look on his face as Elway slams the door.)


Tebow heads to his father's car. Tebow gets in his car and puts his head down.

Mr. Tebow: Son, what's wrong?

Tim: Nothing Dad, I'm ready to go home.

(Mr. Tebow pulls out a Snickers bar and hands it to Tim)

Tim: What's this for Dad?

Mr. Tebow: Son, the man upstairs doesn't put us through anything that we can't handle. I promise you one day you'll laugh about all of this and it'll put a smile on your face. Keep your head up.

(Mr. Tebow begins to drive off and Tim takes a bite of the Snickers bar. Mr. Tebow rubs Tim's head and they start talking about what Mom's cooking for dinner.)

The end.



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